Session with workshop speakers (photo: UIC)
“Is the family countercultural?” That’s how the 1st International Workshop on Family Support organized by UIC Barcelona’s Institute for Advanced Family Studies (IESF), kicked off, in sixth gear and full throttle, last May 13-15. A “congress” with concrete aspirations, it brought together some 800 participants from 50 countries from around the world, interested in one universal theme: the family.
First off, amidst intermittent laughs, monologist Andrés Torres from Spanish TV station “La Sexta” spoke about his own family. Of what goes down on a day-to-day basis for a father of four, some of which are teenagers. There were lots chuckles and shared sentiment among audience members. And many heads nodding in agreement, because his words were so relatable: “The best option is not to overwhelm the kids –Torres said–: let them make their own mistakes and give them their space. Because one day, they’ll grow up and hopefully, leave the nest.” It doesn’t mean we have to hate them, obviously. Quite the contrary: love them and support them in whatever is necessary. But aware that they’re their own person.
«Is the family countercultural?» Journalist and father of three Pedro Herrero Mestre asked. “I would say yes. The family is countercultural because it’s different from today’s dominant cultural narratives. Perhaps it’s because today’s society has given way to families which produce accountants, lawyers, etc. and not poets…” Words that the professor and poet Enrique García-Máiquez could only agree with. “There’s a lot of emphasis on couples communicating– García-Máiquez said –, but possessing knowledge is even more important: that is, having a solid foundation in philosophy or anthropology. In short, knowing how we got to where we are today, thinking long and hard about it.” But, of course, that requires some training.
That’s what the IESF aspires to do: to train, to form, to accompany families. “We must be aware – insisted Montserrat Gas, director of the institute – that forming people today in matters of the family requires not only transmitting knowledge, but guidance and offering support to people.» From day one of the workshop, there were nearly 800 attendees. The institute’s use of the word “workshop” rather than “congress” was intentional: Gas aimed to offer a practical, hands-on approach to the topics discussed. “I want workshop attendees to leave today really wanting to understand what it is that families need– especially young families – and to want to understand how they can better accompany and support them.”
In our ordinary lives
They were two overarching ideas throughout the weekend-long workshop, which happened to coincide with the International Day of Families on May 15. First, that accompanying families is an art that must be learned. And, second, this accompaniment it often best executed over beers and good food, that is, «alongside families in the ordinary things of life,» as Juan José Pérez-Soba, professor at the John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family (Rome), underlined.
‘Fighting correctly’ means not fighting. Fights are never necessary. They always damage the relationship.” (Raphael Bonelli, psychiatrist)
It’s in our everyday lives, in school and at home, «that we achieve happiness,” expert in affective sexual education and secondary school teacher Rafael Lafuente noted. Nonetheless, it’s only logical that– as Lafuente insisted– to be a good father, a good mother, you need to form yourself, to seek guidance: «It’s a true act of humility and it’s the wisest approach, to look for the best tools out there to parent.»
Doing so might be considered “useless poetry” to today’s society. But, judging by the couples who, in addition to the workshop specialists, shared their experience –from Kenya to Mexico, or so many other countries in Europe and the East– is so important.
That’s what the speakers at this workshop were getting at. There was a shared sentiment among everyone, from participating doctors and influencers, to priests, lawyers and engineers, of the importance of family counseling. And the many married couples who hailed from many different countries and who offered to shar their personal experience agreed. Each one from their unique point of view.
The limits of therapy
Like the psychiatrist Raphael Bonelli, doctor from the Sigmund Freud University in Vienna posed: How far do the limits of therapy go in accompaniment? Bonelli, who assists many couples going through some difficult situation, spoke of marriage as «a very noble and beautiful ideal, although full of obstacles.» He continued, «I’m struck by so many couple’s ability to treat one another badly,» he said, “this shouldn’t be the case.” For this reason, when I’m asked to give a talk on how to “fight correctly,” I reply: ‘It’ll be a very brief, two-minute talk: ‘Fighting correctly’ means not fighting. Fights are never necessary. They always damage the relationship. Always.”
From there, with grace and great clarity, the Viennese psychiatrist laid out the factors which can lead couples to this point in their relationship and what must be avoided to never arrive. He accompanies couples and knows that the adverb, «always», and its opposite, «never,» are the most used adverbs in fights, and that they lead to emotional spiraling: «One person’s distress is conveyed to the other, which then provokes a reaction and, that, in turn prompts another reaction, and so on…; there isn’t ever any resolution because neither person is in the state of mind to make any progress. When can progress happen? When they stop and think.”
It seems obvious. But it’s easier said than done when feelings are bubbling and “both believe they’re 70% a victim and only 30% an aggressor; that they’re “poor me” and the other is the villain”. In this sort of situation, Bonelli assures, «my psychotherapy is very straightforward: ‘shut up’. And, if there’s a risk you can’t control what you’ll say, leave. ‘Go outside, mow the lawn, if you want.’” And take however much time is needed for your emotional unrest to settle, and once it does, speak up. “Say what you need to say without anger, without reprimanding, and with respect because, if you’re humble, you can say anything. Berating never works…”
It’s a matter of the heart. And learning to identify what works: “Train yourself to identify what works first,” Pilar Lacorte, the deputy director of the IESF, said, using the example of «mother-in-laws and other toxic buggers.” Joking about mother-in-laws as possible topics for study she said: “I’m a mother-in-law and we have to see daughter and sons in law not from the problematic point of view, but from their ‘dark side’… I call daughters-in-law and sons-in-law ‘the squatters”, because that’s what they do in our children’s hearts: they take it over without any authorization or right, they get into it and, once they’ve settled there, there’s no one to get them out.»
Understanding
“The key –added Nieves González Rico, academic director of Francisco de Vitoria University’s Development and Person Institute and the “Let’s Learn to Love” Program– is learning to accept and love our circumstances, and to get there, we need someone alongside us; It’s not in spite of your circumstances that you’ll get there, but through them. And this is done through kindness and gratitude.”
To accompany someone means to want to understand them. “A Catalan priest who lived many years in Austria, and is a psychiatrist like me, once told me,” Bonelli concluded his presentation, “‘You have to think the best of the other person.’ That’s what changes the world. Conscious of the fact that, ultimately, the two are in the same boat: either you’re both happy, or you’re not.”
Is the family countercultural? “Being countercultural means creating culture – Montserrat Gas had said at the start of the workshop–; that means having a positive attitude, convinced that what we’re doing here corresponds to the most authentic desires of all human beings: to love and be loved”.
In the words of Lacorte: “What do we have to do? Be hackers: hacking until we discover the passwords for finding our way into their hearts.”
Jaume Figa Vaello
@jaumefv
Translated from Spanish by Lucia K. Maher